The Hardest Part About Having a Traveling Spouse
From time to time I mention that my husband has some various elite status levels (mostly hotel) that he gets primarily through work travel. I'm sure you can all put 1 + 1 together to come up with the fact that means he is gone a fair amount from the home for work travel. For the most part, I choose to view the situation in a positive manner and focus on the facts that:
A. He is gainfully employed. Paychecks are good.
B. His work travel means "free" miles, points, and elite status credits for us to use on family vacations.
C. Slumber parties with my snuggly four year old.
All of those are 100% true, but there is another side to this frequent travel, and that is a level of underlying chaos from the frequent transitions in and out of the home for the family. There are families who have a parent (or both parents!) deployed or working overseas for long periods of time. There are families who have a parent that is gone for pretty much the whole week traveling around doing consulting gigs. There are families who have a parent who works several days or even weeks "on" at a time at a location like an oil rig where they are away from home. There are single parent families. Basically, there are families that successfully endure much more time apart than we do, but some of the issues we face from having such a frequently changing home dynamic aren't easy regardless of whether others have it tougher.
There's a laundry list of challenges that families face when one or both partners are away from the home frequently including: practical and logistical challenges since one is doing the work of two, emotional challenges, potential jealousy or resentment, and simple loneliness. However, the hardest part of having a traveling spouse are the frequent transitions.
When you live life as we do, pretty much every week has at least two transitions in it. We have to gear up and transition to having one of us leave (most often him), and then function essentially as a single parent household for a period of time, and then transition to having both parents home again working as a cohesive unit. I have done this both before and after having a kid, and I can say that (like most things in life), it is harder with kids in the home than without.
Before we had our daughter, when one of us was gone, the other could spend that time catching up with friends, going to happy hour, working out, reading a book, getting a massage, or participating in whatever other hobby they wished. Sure you still missed the traveling partner, but having a little time to yourself was almost nice from time to time.
Once a kid is in the picture though, the time home alone looks much different. Instead of having more time for yourself, you have none. You are the 100% sole caregiver for the child(ren), and as a result will be making every meal, doing every school drop-off/pick-up, taking them to every activity, reading every book, giving every bath, cleaning up every mess, washing every piece of clothing, etc. While your spouse is away at expensed dinners out, seeing movies in their free time, sleeping in quiet hotels (the horror!), and working with other adults, you will be home doing the opposite. There can be some resentment, and certainly exhaustion, that seeps in due to this, but I don't think that is the hardest part.
The hardest part actually comes in when they get home. When you are the one running the show alone at home there is certainly more work you have to do, but you get to do it your way, with your system, in your time. Chances are this looks and feels a bit different than when both parents are home. You may think you handled things perfectly, or you may think that you all survived by the grace of God or simple good fortune, but you did it your way. Once that other spouse arrives back at the front door, things are supposed to immediately shift.
They will likely be tired from their trip, and you will likely be tired from running the show in their absence. You have been self-sufficient and self-reliant getting things done alone, but have to immediately switch back into making collective decisions and dividing and conquering with all the household tasks. Your kids have been used to going to you for everything and may either be more than ready for the returning parent, or want very little to do with them since they are pretty used to you. To put it another way, the transitions in all these different areas can lead to an underlying level of chaos that is if nothing else, exhausting.
We have noticed this over the years and at the very least now know to expect it. A homecoming should be the best part of being away, but it is actually the hardest part of the transition in some ways. All of the factors at play can lead to simple things blowing up if you aren't careful. I'd be a liar if I said that hasn't happened at our house. Tired people + lots of responsibilities + rapidly changing routines and expectations = potential for problems.
I could make a bullet pointed list of ways to mitigate this risk, but it really all comes down to recognizing it can easily happen, and utilizing space and patience as needed. The default deciding factor in most anything should be given by the person who has been at home running the show. This means when I am returning home from a trip and desperately want to immediately get the house cleaned up when I walk in and see toys everywhere, that I either need to just be patient with it and trust it will get done in the next day or so (or do it myself without complaining). This means if my husband is returning from a trip and just wants to eat at home that night, that he sucks it up and heads out to dinner with us because we are tired of cooking (or he cooks and cleans up dinner without complaining). Most of it is easy stuff in a vacuum, but hard stuff to transition in and out of so frequently.
We aren't usually disappointed anymore when the first few hours or day back together as a family aren't amazingly harmonious. We know that the transition part isn't that much fun, and we also know that it doesn't last long. Usually by a day or two everything is "back to normal".
I don't share this as a "tale of woe" or to scare other families who may have a frequently traveling spouse in their future, but just as a piece of the reality that comes with frequent travel and a family. I think I'd be painting a false picture if I never mentioned some of the others costs of frequent travel when you have a family. I'm sure every family experiences this differently, and some probably handle it much better than we do. Some probably handle it much worse. On the whole I think we do pretty well, but that doesn't mean it is always cake and roses. Though we do make lots of cookies when Daddy is away....
How does your family manage with one or both of the spouses frequently traveling? Are the transitions the tough part for you?
TPG featured card
at American Express's secure site
Terms & restrictions apply. See rates & fees.
| 4X | Earn 4X Membership Rewards® points per dollar spent on purchases at restaurants worldwide, on up to $50,000 in purchases per calendar year, then 1X points for the rest of the year. |
| 4X | Earn 4X Membership Rewards® points per dollar spent at US supermarkets, on up to $25,000 in purchases per calendar year, then 1X points for the rest of the year. |
| 5X | New! Earn 5X Membership Rewards® points on prepaid hotel stays booked through AmexTravel.com or the Amex Travel App. |
| 3X | Earn 3X Membership Rewards® points on flights booked through AmexTravel.com, the Amex Travel App, or purchased directly from airlines. |
| 2X | Earn 2X Membership Rewards® points on prepaid car rentals booked through AmexTravel.com or the Amex Travel App and cruises booked and paid through AmexTravel.com. |
| 1X | Earn 1X Membership Rewards® point per dollar spent on all other eligible purchases. |
Pros
- Valuable dining and food-related credits
- Flexible rewards with airline and hotel transfer partners
- Multiple travel and purchase protections
- No foreign transaction fees
- Access to Amex Offers for additional savings (enrollment required)
Cons
- Not as useful for those living outside the U.S.
- Some may have trouble using Uber and other dining credits
- You may be eligible for as high as 100,000 Membership Rewards® Points after you spend $8,000 in eligible purchases on your new Card in your first 6 months of Card Membership. Welcome offers vary and you may not be eligible for an offer. Apply to know if you’re approved and find out your exact welcome offer amount – all with no credit score impact. If you’re approved and choose to accept the Card, your score may be impacted.
- Earn 4X Membership Rewards® points per dollar spent on purchases at restaurants worldwide, on up to $50,000 in purchases per calendar year, then 1X points for the rest of the year.
- Earn 4X Membership Rewards® points per dollar spent at US supermarkets, on up to $25,000 in purchases per calendar year, then 1X points for the rest of the year.
- New! Earn 5X Membership Rewards® points on prepaid hotel stays booked through AmexTravel.com or the Amex Travel App.
- Earn 3X Membership Rewards® points on flights booked through AmexTravel.com, the Amex Travel App, or purchased directly from airlines.
- Earn 2X Membership Rewards® points on prepaid car rentals booked through AmexTravel.com or the Amex Travel App and cruises booked and paid through AmexTravel.com.
- Earn 1X Membership Rewards® point per dollar spent on all other eligible purchases.
- Pay It® lets you tap in the American Express® App to quickly pay for small purchase amounts throughout the month and still earn rewards the way you usually do. Plan It® gives you the option to split up big purchases into equal monthly payments with a fixed fee. You’ll know upfront exactly how much you’ll pay.
- Updated! $120 Dining Credit: Earn up to a total of $10 in statement credits monthly when you pay with the Gold Card at Grubhub (including Seamless), Buffalo Wild Wings, Five Guys, The Cheesecake Factory, and Wonder. This can be an annual savings of up to $120. Enrollment required.
- $100 Resy Credit: Get up to $100 in statement credits each calendar year at over 10,000 qualifying U.S. Resy restaurants after you pay for eligible purchases with the American Express® Gold Card. That’s up to $50 in statement credits semi-annually. Enrollment required.
- $84 Dunkin' Credit: Earn up to $7 in monthly statement credits after you pay with the American Express® Gold Card at U.S. Dunkin’ locations. Enrollment required.
- $120 Uber Cash on Gold: Enjoy up to $120 in Uber Cash annually with your Gold Card. Just add your Card to your Uber account and you'll get $10 in Uber Cash each month to use on orders and rides in the U.S. when you select an Amex Card for your transaction.
- New! As an American Express® Gold Card Member, you can enjoy complimentary Hertz Five Star® Status. Enjoy benefits like skipping the counter at select locations, adding an additional driver at no additional cost*, and vehicle upgrades**. Benefit enrollment and Hertz Gold+ registration are required. *Additional drivers must meet standard rental qualifications and must be a spouse or domestic partner to qualify as complimentary. Other additional drivers subject to fees. **Benefits are subject to availability and vary by location. Additional Hertz program Terms and Conditions including age restrictions apply.
- Take advantage of a $100 credit towards eligible charges* at over 1,300 upscale hotels worldwide when you book The Hotel Collection through AmexTravel.com or the Amex Travel App **. *Eligible charges vary by property. **The Hotel Collection requires a two-night minimum stay.
- Book your travel through the Amex Travel App with added peace of mind – backed by American Express® service and support. Only for American Express® Card Members.
- Whenever you need us, we're here. Our Member Services team will ensure you are taken care of. From lost Card replacement to statement questions, we are available to help 24/7.
- No Foreign Transaction Fees.
- Annual Fee is $325.
- Terms Apply.