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TPG’s favorite Flight Attendant Insider Carrie A. Trey is back, this time with a look at some of the things that are better off unsaid during a flight.

In the interest of keeping our jobs, there are a number of things we cabin crew would love to say to you, our dear passengers, but simply cannot. Whether you’re complaining about something we have absolutely no control over or are having a temper tantrum you’re 30 years too old for, we bite our tongues so as not to push you over the edge — and because it’s the polite thing to do. That said, here’s my list of what’s actually going through our minds when you spout off — hopefully you’ll take some of it to heart and remember this the next time you’re in the air.

1. Don’t F***Ing Touch Me!

No, seriously. Hands off. Saying “excuse me” is a perfectly acceptable way to get my attention. Jabbing my nearest-to-you body part is not.

2. Here’s My Number!

You’re just delicious! And your travel companion is treating you like crap. You can do so much better. Call me!

Sometimes love really is in the air. Image courtesy of Hero Images via Getty Images.
Sometimes love really is in the air. Image courtesy of Hero Images via Getty Images.

3. Did You Look in the Mirror Before You Left the House?

Since when was going out in public in dowdy sweats with unwashed hair — trailing an equally dirty pillow behind you — okay? And no, your designer clutch doesn’t compensate for the rest of your horrendous “outfit.”

4. We’re out of Chicken, Not Fuel

So you didn’t get your meal choice. Sorry as I am, I have a finite number of meals and throwing a tantrum and a truck-load of shade at me won’t change that. Let’s keep things in perspective, shall we?

5. This Is a 777, Not at 7-11

When I offer “chicken or beef” why do you then ask if there’s a fish choice? No, I cannot “whip up” a salad and a sandwich in the galley, nor do cookies appear out of thin air — I wish they did! We have what we have. No more, no less.

6. Put Your Shoes On!

Whether you’ve got your smelly, desperately-in-need-of-a-pedicure feet on the seat in front of you, on the walls or you’re gross enough to walk into the bathroom barefoot, you need to stop.

Image courtesy of Images by Tang Ming Tung via Getty Images.
This is not your house. Put your shoes back on. Image courtesy of Images by Tang Ming Tung via Getty Images.

7. You’re a Terrible Parent

You’re letting your four-year-old have three Cokes, then you wonder why they’re going berserk? Your child is drawing all over the wall and tray table, ripping up everything in sight and you’re okay with that? You’re an awful parent. Step up your game.

8. You Purchased One Seat, Not the Whole Row

I know, I know, you want to stretch out. So do the other 250 people onboard. What makes you think that you’re more entitled to an extra seat than the person next to you?

9. Change Your Baby in the Bathroom Like a Civilized Person

You may be immune to the stench of your child’s excrement, but the rest of us aren’t. And you parents who change your babies on the tray tables are feral. Seriously. People eat off of those tables. Hello, cholera!

10. If You Can’t Lift Your Own Bag, Why Should I?

No really, if it’s too heavy for you, why do you think I want to throw my back out lifting the bag you should have checked in the first place into the overhead bin?

Image courtesy of Hero Images via Getty Images.
Sure, she’s smiling, but you know what we’re really thinking. Image courtesy of Hero Images via Getty Images.

11. Of Course You’re Going to Miss Your Connection! 

And no, they’re not going to hold the flight. We’re delayed three hours and you’re wondering if you’re going to make your 90-minute connection? How about we do some simple math?

12. What Makes You Think You’re So Deserving of an Upgrade?

No, really… everyone wants to travel in first class but why should you get it for free while the people sitting there paid good money for it?

13. Put Your Camera Down

We’ve entered a phase now where everyone and their mother wants to capture the next viral video. Who cares if you’re putting people’s jobs at risk while you do it? Anything for a YouTube hit, right? Almost every airline has a policy about filming onboard. They’re divided into two categories: those that forbid film crews and passengers, and those that require you to get consent first. Additionally, federal regulations in almost every country require you to comply with crew instructions. That means if we tell you to stop filming or if you do not have consent to film us, you stop filming. You are breaking the law otherwise and I won’t hesitate to have law enforcement meet the flight and discuss that with you should it become an issue.

Have your own questions for Carrie A. Trey? We’d love to hear them! Let us know in the comments, below.

Featured image courtesy of izusek via Getty Images.

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