Did United Kill the Easter Bunny?

Apr 26, 2017

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Simon, a 10-month-old giant rabbit that measured nearly 3 feet long, recently died onboard a United Airlines 767 flight. As the BBC reports, he was en-route from London to a new owner in the US, via Chicago.

(For the purposes of this article, due to the timing of the incident and size of this rabbit, we are going to refer to Simon as the Easter Bunny. Yes, United killed the Easter Bunny.)

(Parental Advisory: The content below may only be suitable for primary cardholders aged 18 and above.)

It’s like that children’s song brought to life. Or, in this case, death. You know how it goes:

United killed the Easter Bunny
The Easter Bunny, the Easter Bunny
United killed the Easter Bunny
That lived on Drury Lane.

We managed to catch up with one of Bunny’s neighbors and closest friends, the Muffin Man, also of Drury Lane. At that point the story took an even darker turn.

According to Muffin Man, Bunny wasn’t even loyal to United — he just booked the cheapest fare. Perhaps most disappointing of all, as a Basic Economy customer, Bunny didn’t earn miles for this final hop.

Bunny’s final meal consisted of Illy coffee. The airline had been serving stroopwaffels in the economy cabin, but as a Basic Economy passenger, Bunny had landed himself a center seat in the last row of coach. The passenger in the window seat was handed the last stroopwafel.

United boards 148 stroopwafels on this particular aircraft, which offers 151 seats. A United representative explained that based on data collected during dozens of flights, an average of 145 passengers request stroopwafels. As part of an effort to curb waste a cost-cutting measure, the airline provisions fewer waffles than passengers on board.

(As compensation for Bunny’s death, the catering snafu and Wi-Fi issues reported by multiple passengers during the flight, United issued the family a travel voucher in the amount of $50, which can be used toward the purchase of any United or United Express flight $1,000 and above.)

To make matters worse, following the incident, the plane diverted to Michigan’s Meowamazoo International Airport (CAT), where Bunny had an outstanding bench warrant after neglecting to pay a speeding ticket for going 25 in a 65. As a result, his body is being held by authorities pending payment of a $15 ticket. Meowamazoo’s mayor, The Cat in the Hat, declined the family’s counteroffer of a $50 United travel voucher.

(But seriously, folks, United is currently investigating the death of this animal. And condolences to the owners.)

Featured image by Graiki via Getty Images.

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