When Miles Feel Meaningless
Any parent worth even half their salt only wants the best for their kids. You don't want them to hurt, or be scared, or in pain, or danger, or distress, etc. Being a parent means that you would take any and all of those unpleasant and treacherous scenarios on for yourself ten-fold before having your little one suffer. Of course, life is at times as hard as it is wonderful, and sometimes you can't take the pain away, even if you hurt equally right alongside them.
We experienced this almost indescribable fear, hurt, and panic very shortly after becoming parents when Little C was life flighted away from us at 3 days old. We went from being pregnant and blissfully unaware of what being parents fully meant to just a few days later tailing the helicopter that carried our three-day-old baby as best we could from the ground not knowing what news would await us at the Children's Hospital 90 miles away.
We all thankfully got beyond that chapter, but that helpless feeling you get when you don't know if your child will be okay stays in your bones. It stays in your soul. It is awful. I don't even want to fathom what it is like when it turns out your child really isn't okay. My brain just can't go there.
Recently we have felt that feeling again, this time about Baby S. We have again found ourselves in the place where all the things that we thought mattered just days before really don't. I'm not shopping for spring clothes on my phone while nursing, or trying to develop a workout routine to say goodbye to the last of the "baby fluff", strategizing how to earn a few more miles doing this or that, or daydreaming about booked or potential trips. Instead, I'm googling specialists, tests, diseases, diagnoses, reading research studies, pressing for faster appointments, and just trying to keep my s^#@ together enough to be the best parent I can be for both of our daughters since life doesn't stop when you have multiple kids.
And oh lordy don't get me started on how dark of a road Dr. Google can take you on when you have more questions than answers!
It is funny how something I care about so much, like miles and points, so quickly is totally meaningless in some ways, but yet remains so important in others. Even when I could care less about this promotion or that offer because of more pressing needs at hand, I am so thankful I have miles and points "in the bank" because they would enable us to go to wherever we needed for medical advice, or bring whatever family member we may need here for extra support without really hitting our bottom line.
We are all really hoping that what we helping Baby S with right now turns out just as our experience with Little C did...scary, horrible in the moment, but ultimately okay. My head and heart may not be fully turned to miles and points at times right now, but I'm still glad that I have them at the ready just in case. While we navigate the process of getting answers for Baby S we will keep business as usual here and in the "real world" as much as possible and hope that in the near future this turbulence is again behind us making way for smoother skies.